| Well, well, well, it's that time of the year | | | | (2004 NBA Finals MVP) vs. Jason "White |
| again, with the NBA Playoffs for the Eastern | | | | Chocolate" Williams. This is about comparable |
| Conference Finals. It's all about matchups, | | | | to asking "What's a better movie: THE |
| NOT only ON but also OFF the court. | | | | GODFATHER or GIGLI?" Advantage: Detroit |
| | | | |
| Here are the matchups:Â Detroit vs. | | | | SHOOTING GUARD: "RIP" Hamilton vs. Dwyane |
| Miami, the Sequel:Â "GOODBYE HEAT" | | | | Wade. For non-NBA followers, it seems like a |
| | | | no-brainer, but this is a lot closer than it |
| WEATHER: NO Beach vs. South Beach. | | | | seems. By the way, who held D. Wade scoreless |
| Advantage: Miami | | | | in the fourth quarter of Game Seven - 2005 |
| | | | Eastern Conference Finals? RIP, that's who. |
| MUSIC: Madonna vs. Gloria Estefan. The "Queen | | | | However, this "Flash" most definitely has |
| of Pop" against the conga. Advantage: Detroit | | | | substance. Advantage: Miami |
| | | | |
| BEST SONG ABOUT CITY: Kiss's "Detroit Rock | | | | SMALL FORWARD: Tayshaun Prince vs. Antoine |
| City" vs. Will Smith's "Miami." The Fresh | | | | Walker. The battle of the Kentucky Wildcats. |
| Prince has as much "street credibility" as | | | | Celtic fans must be laughing, as Danny Ainge |
| the Backstreet Boys. Besides, Gene Simmons | | | | couldn't wait until An-twahn Walk-ah (Boston |
| has slept with more women than Wilt | | | | accent) left town. He couldn't play Defense |
| Chamberlain. | | | | if Tony Soprano held a gun to his head. Plus, |
| | | | Tayshaun is "Straight Outta Compton," like |
| Advantage: Detroit | | | | Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, and Suge Knight. |
| | | | Advantage: Detroit |
| RAPPER: Eminem vs. Pitbull. I don't care | | | | |
| for Eminem, but to paraphrase Stuttering John | | | | POWER FORWARD: Rasheed Wallace vs. Udonis |
| on Pitbull: "WHO are you and what do you do | | | | Haslem. Haslem gets exploited like "Martha |
| that makes you famous???" Advantage: Detroit | | | | Stewart on Wall Street" or "Ashlee Simpson on |
| | | | Saturday Night Live" whenever these two face |
| RESTAURANT: Carl's Chop House vs. Joe's Stone | | | | each other. 'Sheed is the best outside |
| Crab. Carl's is good, but Joe's is the | | | | shooter 6'8" and above since a guy by the |
| BEST. Advantage: Miami | | | | name of Bird. After a couple more |
| | | | championships, he will be headed to my |
| WRESTLER: Rob Van Dam vs. "The ROCK." The | | | | hometown of Springfield, to the Basketball |
| Rock is retired from the ring, but my good | | | | Hall of Fame. Perhaps 'Sheed is the "James |
| friend, "Mr. Pay-Per-View"/"The Whole F---en. | | | | Worthy of the 21st Century." Advantage: |
| Show" RVD, is the greatest athlete in | | | | Detroit |
| wrestling. Don't believe me? Ask Rasheed | | | | |
| Wallace. Advantage: Detroit | | | | CENTER: Ben Wallace (four-time NBA Defensive |
| | | | Player of the Year) vs. Shaquille O'Neal |
| COLLEGE FOOTBALL PROGRAMS: U of M. vs. THE | | | | (three-time World Champion). Aside from a |
| "U." In the last 25 years, Michigan has won a | | | | couple of playoff games, Shaq looks like a |
| single National Championship and produced the | | | | shadow of his former dominant self in this |
| Most Clutch Quarterback in the NFL, by the | | | | post-season. Shaq gets the edge, but "BIG |
| name of Tom Brady. However, the NFL should be | | | | BEN" will give him all he can handle. By the |
| known as the University of Miami Alumni | | | | way, who was the center who beat Shaq when he |
| Association, and THE "U." has won FIVE (count | | | | was with the Lakers in '04 and the Heat in |
| them: 5) National Championships (should be | | | | '05? Now, that guy goes for the hat trick. |
| seven. SEE FLAWED 2000 BCS System and 2003 | | | | Advantage: Miami |
| National Championship Fiesta Bowl for the | | | | |
| "Worst Call in Sports History"). Advantage: | | | | COACHES: Flip Saunders vs. Pat Riley. Despite |
| Miami | | | | the fact that "Riles" hasn't won anything |
| | | | since Whitney Houston and George Michael were |
| COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACHES: Lloyd Carr vs. | | | | atop the Billboard Charts in 1988, Flip only |
| Larry Choker (Ooops, I meant Coker) This is | | | | made it past the first round once in his |
| College Football's version of Rich Kotite vs. | | | | career before he got to Detroit. Riley is a |
| Ray Handley. | | | | sure-fire Hall of Fame coach, from looking at |
| | | | his "pre-Miami" résumé. |
| Advantage: PUSH | | | | Conversely, check out his "post-New York" |
| | | | résumé; he'd have trouble |
| FAMOUS ALUMNI: Selma Blair & Dr. Jack | | | | getting into the WNBA Hall of Fame (See '98, |
| Kevorkian vs. Michael Irvin & The "ROCK". The | | | | '99, 2000 Home Court Season Ending Playoff |
| "Playmaker" & The "ROCK" lay the Smackdown on | | | | losses to the Knicks; first round Playoff |
| all their Candy Asses. Advantage: Miami | | | | loss to the then Charlotte Hornets in '01; |
| | | | draft lottery in '02 & '03). Aside from |
| WOMEN: Initially, this seems like a | | | | (figuratively) stabbing his best friend, Stan |
| monumental mismatch. In terms of quantity, | | | | Van Gundy, in the back, he's probably a nice |
| it's a "NO CONTEST," but we're talking | | | | guy. |
| "quality" here. Miami/Ft. Lauderdale girls | | | | |
| are FAKER than the silicone in their breasts. | | | | Advantage: Miami |
| Motor City girls are HOT, but more | | | | |
| importantly, they're REAL. Advantage: Detroit | | | | FRONT OFFICES: Joe Dumars vs. Pat Riley. |
| | | | Hands down, Joe Dumars is the best executive |
| SPORTS FANS: This is a bigger mismatch than | | | | in the NBA (SEE lopsided trades: Grant Hill |
| Microsoft vs. Enron. Detroit sports fans have | | | | for Ben Wallace & Chucky Atkins; Jerry |
| suffered through years of futility with the | | | | Stackhouse for Richard Hamilton-you might |
| Lions (still are) and Tigers, yet | | | | call this a "RIP" OFF... PUN Intended). Joe |
| unconditionally support their teams through | | | | D. may not be perfect, passing on D. Wade, |
| thick and thin. There were NO Heat fans | | | | Chris Bosh and Carmelo in the 2003 Draft for |
| before Wade and Shaq came to | | | | Darko, but he's pretty damn close. |
| town...Alonz-"HO" Mourning is the epitome of | | | | |
| a sell-out...the 'Canes CAN'T sell out the | | | | Riley should know "if it ain't broke, don't |
| Orange Bowl unless they play Florida State or | | | | fix it!" His team was a minute and a half |
| Virginia Tech...and despite winning TWO World | | | | away from the NBA Finals a year ago, so what |
| Series Championships in the franchise's first | | | | did he do? Got rid of the team's best |
| 11 years, the Marlins are now on the brink of | | | | three-point shooter, Damon Jones, legit point |
| contraction. Not a bad idea. While they're at | | | | guard Keyon Dooling, underrated Rasual |
| it, please contract all the "fair weather" | | | | Butler, and best Defender, Eddie Jones, for |
| fans too. Hands down, Miami is the "BANDWAGON | | | | "White Chocolate," James "POSER,"Â and |
| FAN"/"WORST SPORTS TOWN IN AMERICA"! | | | | two "way past their prime" egomaniacs-Walker |
| | | | & Payton. But, most of all, he FIRED his |
| Advantage: Detroit | | | | protégé, Stan Van Gundy, to |
| | | | appease his own ego. Advantage: Detroit |
| SPORTS TALK HOSTS: From what I have been | | | | |
| told, it is NOT a prerequisite for | | | | PREDICTION: To quote my new friend, Frank |
| prospective talent to have played for the | | | | Vincent, a.k.a. Billy Batts from "GOODFELLAS" |
| Lions in order to have their own talk show. | | | | and Phil Leotardo from "The Sopranos": |
| They actually have to be talented and | | | | "MIAMI...GO HOME AND GET YOUR F---IN' |
| entertaining broadcasters. Imagine that? What | | | | SHINEBOX!" Mickey Arison might sign the |
| a novel idea! Advantage: Detroit | | | | paychecks, but the PISTONS OWN the Heat! |
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| NFL TEAMS: Lions: NO Super Bowls; Dolphins: | | | | DETROIT ROLLS IN FIVE GAMES. GUARAN-"SHEED"! |
| TWO Nick Saban could be the "next Bill | | | | Don't forget to listen to "The Sports Edge" |
| Belichick" and Matt Millen is the "Isiah | | | | with yours truly, a.k.a. "The REAL American |
| Thomas of NFL Front Offices." Advantage: | | | | Idol," Marc Bednarczyk, & "The GREAT" Jim |
| Miami | | | | Grieshaber, every day on Sirius Satellite |
| | | | Radio (Channel 122) from 4-7 P.M. EASTERN. |
| POINT GUARD: Chauncey "Mr. Big Shot" Billups | | | | |