| Whoever sends junk emails has got me | | | | Velcro would be too noisy in public toilets - |
| completely wrong. They seem to think I'm a | | | | and somewhat mood shattering in other |
| seedy, hypochondriac bloke with a lot of | | | | circumstances.Nevertheless, some inventions |
| problems down below. Not only am I cursed | | | | have been undervalued for their simple |
| with a miniscule member, it's about as | | | | elegance and versatility. Take dental floss, |
| reliable as the old A40 Mum used to | | | | for instance. According to that Bible of the |
| drive.Apparently, my girlfriends are | | | | Internet, Google, it was invented by a New |
| sniggering among themselves about my | | | | Orleans dentist who recommended passing a |
| shrunken, faulty manhood. And my long | | | | piece of silk between teeth in the early |
| suffering wife (I have one of those as well | | | | 1800's.He shouldn't take too much credit, |
| as the girlfriends) is concerned I may not be | | | | though. It wasn't long before Taranaki people |
| able to get her pregnant.Nevertheless, my | | | | were using their mothers' sewing cotton to |
| alter ego's appetite is insatiable. I'm in | | | | remove chunks of mutton wedged between their |
| the market for a sexy Russian girl who can't | | | | molars.Nylon dental floss was created during |
| spell but has breasts the size of bowling | | | | World War Two. Americans use enough of it |
| balls.When not performing disappointingly in | | | | every year to stretch from Earth to the Moon |
| the bedroom, I'm swallowing dodgy | | | | and back four times. I buy almost that much |
| prescription drugs with names that sound only | | | | for our household.Dental floss is great for |
| partially familiar like Aspromix and | | | | all sorts of things around here - hanging |
| Pethadinerole. My other obsession is cheap, | | | | Christmas decorations and paintings, training |
| immitation watches.While the real me usually | | | | grape vines, oh and occasionally for teeth. |
| deletes these messages without opening them, | | | | I've used it to string broken necklaces and |
| I've taken a look at one just now - in the | | | | earrings together.Floss is excellent for |
| interests of journalism.Apparently, if I buy | | | | cutting through dough and cheesecake. It can |
| one particular outlet's Viagra, I'll be able | | | | successfully repair tents and backpacks or |
| to open a beer bottle with my penis. That | | | | reattach umbrella sections back to their |
| could be handy. Finding the bottle opener's | | | | spines.I'm not the only one to explore its |
| always tricky. It gets lost among the tangle | | | | potential. In 1994 a prison inmate in |
| of spatulas and serving spoons in the middle | | | | Virginia used braided floss to scale a wall |
| drawer.The advertisement says I may even be | | | | and escape.Another seriously undervalued item |
| invited to become a porn star. Well, I guess | | | | is the plastic clothes peg. I've yet to |
| it'd be more lively than cleaning up the cat | | | | discover a better way to seal a half eaten |
| litter box.Most of the time I delete junk | | | | bag of chips. Rubber bands are clumsy by |
| mail messages on automatic pilot. Their lurid | | | | comparison, and those plasticised bits of |
| subject headings are easy enough to detect | | | | wire laughingly called "ties" never hold.Half |
| among precious emails from readers. Often the | | | | the stuff in our kitchen cupboards and |
| highlight of my week, readers' emails mean a | | | | freezer is held together with clothes pegs - |
| lot. I try to reply to them all (except | | | | from cereal and frozen peas to rice and some |
| unspeakably abusive ones).The other day as I | | | | strange brown powder that seems to be a |
| was deleting Viagra advertisements, I had a | | | | maternity ward for moths.Pegs are essential |
| horrible sinking feeling. Without meaning to | | | | for holding music on its stand when our |
| I wiped an email titled Velcro. No doubt it | | | | daughter goes busking with her violin at |
| was a reader's response to a comment I made | | | | Christmas. Some people use them to hold |
| about Velcro being one of the best inventions | | | | curtains together, squeeze the last out of |
| of the 20th Century.They were probably | | | | the toothpaste tube or to hold the end of |
| telling me off, saying advances in medicine | | | | matches so their fingers don't get burnt.I |
| and science were far more important. They're | | | | look forward to hearing from readers about |
| right, of course. Velcro isn't that great. It | | | | their favourite undervalued inventions - and |
| didn't even supplant zips the way people said | | | | hope the person whose message was deleted |
| it would.When I asked my husband why men | | | | forgives me. It's so easy these days to |
| still prefer zips on their trousers, he said | | | | mistake Velcro for Viagra. |